Volume 28 Number 56
Produced: Fri Feb 26 6:58:37 US/Eastern 1999
Subjects Discussed In This Issue:
Purim Edition
[Sam saal]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sam saal <saal@...>
Date: Thu, 25 Feb 1999 19:29:39 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Purim Edition
Here's this year's mail.jewish Purim edition. It is particularly long
because it contains entries saved for two years. We should have had
Mashiach by now.
Here's an unattributed table of contents
Mishnah Hodu [Tractate Thanksgiving]
Late Breaking News
The laws of December
Ice cream, You scream . . .
kosher symbols you may have overlooked.....
Jewish Cooking by Martha Stewart
Megillat Monica 5758
Purim Apochrypha
Hilchos Oreos
The Halacha of Coffee
Annoyning Corrections - what to do about it.
The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
purim 99 - Tractate "Shvitz"
My thanks to all those who submitted or suggested entries. Have a
Fraylach'n Purim.
Sam Saal <saal@...>
Vayiphtach HaShem et Pea haAtone
(<saal@...> also works)
Submitted by: From <GSLBM@...>
Subject: Mishnah Hodu [Tractate Thanksgiving]
Mishnah Hodu
Excerpts from Tractate Thanksgiving
Newly-translated fragments from the Chelm Genizah
Copyright 1997, Rick Dinitz
Hodu lAdoshem ki tov.
[(Eating) turkey for (the sake of) Hashem is good.]
-Tehillim
Perek Heh, Mishnah Aleph
Hodu lAdoshem ki tov -- keitzad.
[Waving turkey (during Hallel) -- how is it done]?
They take the arba minim [four kinds] together -- turkey, cranberry,
corn and squash -- and wave them east, south, west, north, up and
down.
Rabbi Yose says: When (does this apply)? When everyone in the
congregation has a good sense of humor.
Rabbi Tarfon says: When everyone in the congregation is a good
juggler.
Perek Heh, Mishnah Bet
How much do they wave (what is the minimum)?
Bet Shammai say: Turkey, all of it; cranberry, one kav; corn, one
stalk; squash, one vine.
Bet Hillel say: Turkey, one limb; cranberry, one berry; corn, one
kernel; squash, one squashel.
Rabbi Akiva says: let him wave whatever he has.
Perek Heh, Mishnah Gimel
They take them together -- keitzad [how is it done]?
Bet Hillel says: They place them in a basket and wave the basket.
Bet Shammai says: They stuff the three inside the turkey and wave the
turkey.
Rabbi Yehoshua says: the stuff all four inside a pita, and wave the
pita.
Rabbi Akiva says: They eat all four, and wave their bodies.
Rabbi Tarfon says: It is not up you to finish the eating, but neither
are you free to eat nothing -- after all, a person has to eat.
Perek Heh, Mishnah Dalet
When do they wave?
Rabbi Shimon says: like a lulav (at the same times when we would wave
a lulav on Sukkot).
Rabbi Yose HaGlili says: Through all of Hallel Hagadol -- on each "ki
l'olam chasdo" (they wave).
Rabbi Akiva says: If so, it how would they digest what they have
eaten? (That is, waving the body so many times in rapid sequence
after eating a heavy meal is bound to cause trouble.)
They said to him: They do not eat until after the earliest time for
Minchah (which is after Hallel).
Rabbi Yehoshua says: In the Galil I saw that when they sing "Noten
lechem l'chol basar" [God gives bread for all flesh] they eat the
sandwich of turkey in pita.
Perek Heh, Mishnah Heh Heh Heh
Until when do they wave? Chamishi. [(only on) Thursday;
alternatively, chamesh, for five days].
Shammai says: Me-Hodu ad Kush. (That is, they continue waving until
Purim.)
Rabbi Eliezer says: When (does this apply)? Only to the king.
Shene'emar [as it is said]: Melech me-Hodu ad Kush. Everyone else
waves only for one day, but all eat leftover turkey until it is
finished.
Rabbi Shimon says: L'olam [forever] (that is, they never stop waving).
Shene'emar: Hodu lAdoshem ki tov, ki l'olam chasdo.
But the sages say: If he waves it chutz lizmano [beyond the appointed
time], pasul le'echol [it is unfit to eat].
Perek Zayin, Mishnah Gimel
What kind of squash?
Rabbi says: Zucchini.
Rabban Gamliel says: En zaken b'Cheshvan [nobody (harvests) zucchini
in (the month of) Cheshvan].
The sages say: Don't read "zucchini" -- but rather "zaken" [an old squash].
Perek Zayin, Mishnah Dalet
Cranberry relish and cranberry sauce, kasher [it is fit for waving].
But cranberry juice, cranberry jelly, or cranberry cobbler, pasul [it
is not fit].
Corn soup, popcorn, and caramel corn, kasher. But cornbread is pasul,
because of the flour. Corndogs are pasul, because of the dog.
(Presumably this kind of dog lacks either fins or scales.)
Resh Lakish says: With pumpkin pie, kasher.
His son says: My mother would make pareve pumpkin pie for the waving.
Perek Yod, Mishnah Vav
Rabban Gamliel says: Squash I understand, but what are turkey,
cranberry and corn?
They said to him: Corn -- I'm all ears. Cranberry -- don't get bogged
down in such details. Turkey -- (this refers to an) am haaretz
[unlearned person].
He (Rabban Gamliel) said to them: Whoever cannot explain these three
things has not fulfilled their obligation.
But the sages say: The Torah is a Torah for all times and all lands
(that is, when God will reveal these foods to us, we will know the
halachah for what to do with them).
Kakatuv: v'alchalta, v'savata, uverachta.
[As it is written: You'll eat, and you'll be satisfied, and you'll bless]
Kol tuv,
-Rick
<dinitz@...>
Copyright 1997, Rick Dinitz
From: <weemba@...> (Matthew P Wiener)
Subject: Late Breaking News
Today's papers sure contained a surprise. I'd like to thank Rav
Avril Nar for the halakhic information.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
In a surprise trade agreement concession, leaders of 18 countries
in North and South America agreed to Japanese demands to move the
International Date Line east to the Atlantic Ocean, as an accommo-
dation to Japanese business travellers in the Americas. An extra
day is being inserted in all American calendars, between Friday and
Saturday, to be known as Tweenday, 32 March.
In an emergency meeting of various Orthodox leaders in the US, it
was decided to consider this a case of waking up in a strange place,
and have accordingly ruled that Shabbos is being pushed to one day
later. They recommend that everyone observe two days out of doubt,
however. There will be two days of Rosh Chodosh, 30 Adar II being
the extra day.
The extremely scrupulous are encouraged to fly east to Israel today,
and return home via the Pacific route, avoiding all sheilos.
--
-Matthew P Wiener (<weemba@...>)
Submitted by: Sam Saal
==============================================================
For a quick look at a greeat piece of Purimish Fun, check out
http://www.jewish.org/pao.minyan.humor.html
==============================================================
From: some source on the net....
Some theologians were trying to figure out how old Isaac was when he
was about to be sacrificed. The theologians set a minimum age of 6
because he could tell there wasn't a sacrifice and was able to help
carry the wood. They also set a maximum age of 12, because if he was
over that he would have been a teenager, and that wouldn't have been
much of a sacrifice.
>>From <kennethgmiller@...> Mon Dec 22 00:47:15 1997
Subject: The laws of December
+----------------------------------------------------+
: THIS PARODY IS INTENDED ONLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES.:
: IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED, WE APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE. :
: WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS, COMPLAINTS, :
: AND SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE SEND THEM TO: :
: <KennethGMiller@...> or IleneMM@juno.com :
: :
: (c) 1997 Akiva and Ilene Miller. Permission is :
: granted to copy and recirculate, but only for :
: free, and only if we get the credit (or blame!) :
: :
: To get the nicely-formatted Word6 version, :
: write me at <KGMiller@...> :
+----------------------------------------------------+
Have you ever wondered what Xmas would be like it if were a Jewish
holiday?....
+----------------+
: LAWS OF XMAS :
+----------------+
I. PREPARING FOR XMAS
---------------------
1. PREPARATIONS FOR XMAS MUST NOT BEGIN(1) BEFORE THANKSGIVING.(2) THIS
APPLIES TO PREPARATIONS WHICH AFFECT THE HOLIDAY MOOD,(3) BUT NOT THOSE
WHICH ARE DONE IN PRIVATE.(4)
(1) This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring
Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a particularly
good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos even though it
is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However, Xmas preparations
may not begin too far in advance, in order to fulfill the dictum, "It's
beginning to look a lot like Xmas."
(2) This is because of the principle that two festive occasions should
not be mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy, who
established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving Day
parade until after all the other floats have passed.
(3) Such as setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or
playing holiday music on the Muzak.
(4) Such as buying gifts or buying the Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the
turkey may not be done before Thanksgiving because it will appear to be a
Thanksgiving turkey.
2. SOME HOLD THAT THE TREE SHOULD BE DECORATED IMMEDIATELY AFTER
THANKSGIVING,(5) BUT OTHERS PREFER TO DECORATE IT AS CLOSE TO XMAS AS
POSSIBLE.(6)
(5) For the mitzva of "adding to the yom tov" by beginning the Xmas
season early.
(6) As it is said, "Do not put off for tomorrow, that which can be put
off for the day after tomorrow."
II. THE TREE
------------
1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT IT
HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A FIR
TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN ACCORDANCE
WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS LIKE A SUKKAH
WITH NO BUZZING BEES."
(7) If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may be
used.
2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE;
IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT FOR
GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE, SOME
AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS NOT VALID
FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS OWN TREE
HIMSELF.(9)
(8) One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission from
the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own backyard. A tree
taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park (which is actually a
carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as stolen and pasul.
(9) One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase it
from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national kashrus
organization.
3. DURING THE SHMITTA YEAR, A JEW MAY NOT CUT THE TREE DOWN, BUT IT
SHOULD BE DONE BY A GENTILE. HOWEVER, SINCE THE TREE IS INEDIBLE, THE
PROBLEMS OF "KEDUSHAS SHVIIS" WHICH APPLY TO THE ESROG DO NOT APPLY TO
THE XMAS TREE.
4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN AND
RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE,(10) BUT BROWN IS NOT. THERE MAY
BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT IN THE TOP HALF OF
THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE TREE. A TRULY PIOUS PERSON
WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE EXPERT WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR
HIS TREE.(12)
(10) Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim adorn
the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer poinsettas.
(11) Or even two, provided they are on opposite sides so they cannot be
both seen at the same time.
(12) But it is more macho to pretend to be an expert and pick the tree
out himself.
5. THE REQUIRED HEIGHT OF THE TREE IS SUBJECT TO MANY RULES. AN INDOOR
TREE MUST BE TALL ENOUGH SO THAT IT REACHES WITHIN 3 TEFACHIM OF THE
CEILING.(13) AN OUTDOOR TREE MUST BE AT LEAST 20 AMOS TALL.
(13) Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a
smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people
around it who will make it appear tall.
6. THE LAW IS "ETZ ISH U'BEITO" - ONE TREE FOR A MAN AND HIS HOME. THIS
TEACHES THAT INDIVIDUALS MUST HAVE A XMAS TREE AT THEIR HOME, AND THAT
THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TREE IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE FAMILY, BUT
PUBLIC PLACES ARE EXEMPT. IF ONE WISHES TO PLACE HIS PERSONAL TREE IN A
PUBLIC LOCATION HE MAY DO SO, BUT HE WILL NOT HAVE FULFILLED HIS
OBLIGATION UNLESS IT IS TRULY SEEN BY THE PUBLIC. IN THIS CASE, "SEEN BY
THE PUBLIC" MEANS THAT THE TREE IS LARGE ENOUGH THAT IT IS SHOWN ON THE
LOCAL TV NEWS REPORTS.(14)
(14) This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller
Center, where a shaliach from Lubavitch lights the tree just before
sunset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights by an NYPD
helicopter in time for the dinner meal.
7. IN RECENT YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT CONTROVERSY OVER THE USE OF
MANUFACTURED TREES. L'HALACHA, SOME HOLD THEY ARE PASUL,(15) WHILE OTHER
AUTHORITIES HOLD THEY ARE VALID.(16) L'MAASEH, HOWEVER, EVEN THE
LENIENT OPINIONS HOLD THAT ARTIFICIAL TREES ARE TOO TACKY, AND THUS
VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLE OF "HADAR". BUT IF ONE HAS ALREADY MET HIS
OBLIGATION BY DISPLAYING AT LEAST ONE KOSHER XMAS TREE, HE MAY HAVE
ADDITIONAL TREES OF ANY KIND, NATURAL OR NOT.(17)
(15) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching
that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it
was alive at some point.
(16) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("It is a tree of life"),
teaching that some trees have life, and others do not necessarily have
life.
(17) Similarly, manufactured trees are acceptable in malls, offices, and
other exempt public places.
8. ORIGINALLY, THE LAW WAS THAT THE TREE MUST BE DISPLAYED SO THAT IT
WOULD BE VISIBLE TO PASSERS-BY OUTSIDE THE HOME. OVER THE CENTURIES, AS
PERSECUTIONS INCREASED, THE PEOPLE INSIDE THE HOME BECAME THE MAIN
AUDIENCE. EVEN SO, IT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED IN A PROMINENT AREA OF THE
HOUSE, TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THIS MITZVAH. WHEN POSSIBLE, IT SHOULD
PREFERABLY BE BY A WINDOW WHERE IT COULD BE VIEWED FROM THE STREET, TO
CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL PRACTICE.
III. DECORATING THE TREE
------------------------
1. AS WITH ALL MITZVOS, THE TREE SHOULD BE TASTEFULLY(18) DECORATED.
POPCORN TASTES EXCELLENT, AND SOME STRING POPCORN TOGETHER (WITH NEEDLE
AND THREAD)(19) TO MAKE LONG CHAINS WHICH ARE WRAPPED AROUND THE TREE.
(18) In order to keep children actively interested and participating in
all the goings-on, "tasteful" is defined by the youngest person in the
household. This generally results in displaying all sorts of holiday
projects in school, no matter how tacky or amateurishly done, giving
great prominence to "artwork" which is normally allowed nowhere but the
refrigerator door.
(19) To remind us of the pasuk, "We're all connected." (Nynex)
2. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT MINHAGIM REGARDING THE DECORATIONS. THE MORE
DECORATED THE TREE, THE BETTER. ONE MUST BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE THE
DECORATIONS ARE PUT ON SYMMETRICALLY.(20)
(20) This is derived from the law that one's head tefillin must be in the
exact middle of one's head, and the similarity of the words "tefillin"
and "tree fallen".
3. TREE DECORATIONS ARE CONSIDERED "MUKTZA L'MITZVASA", "SET ASIDE FOR
ITS MITZVA", AND MAY NOT BE USED FOR ANY PERSONAL USE UNTIL AFTER XMAS IS
OVER.(21) FOR EXAMPLE, EDIBLE DECORATIONS MAY NOT BE EATEN UNTIL AFTER
XMAS. SIMILARLY, SINCE THEY MAY NOT BE USED FOR PERSONAL USE, ANY
DECORATIONS WHICH FALL FROM THE TREE ON SHABBOS OR ON YOM TOV MAY NOT BE
REPLACED(22) UNTIL AFTER SHABBOS OR YOM TOV.
(21) See Siman 9 below for opinons regarding when Xmas actually ends.
(22) Or even handled.
IV. GIFTS
---------
1. ONE IS OBLIGATED TO BUY PRESENTS, REGARDLESS OF HIS INCOME LEVEL, FOR
EVERY PERSON THAT HE HAS EVER SPOKEN TO IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND THEIR
IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS. ONE MAY GO INTO SERIOUS DEBT IN ORDER TO CARRY
OUT THIS MITZVAH. PRESENTS MAY BE EXCHANGED AT ANY CONVENIENT TIME DURING
DECEMBER UP UNTIL THE 25TH.
2. REGARDING A CHILD WHOSE BIRTHDAY OCCURS ON OR AROUND XMAS, SOME SAY TO
GIVE HIM A DOUBLE PORTION OF GIFTS,(23) AND OTHERS SAY TO GIVE HIM A
SINGLE PORTION.(24) SOME RESOLVE THIS BY GETTING HIM A NORMAL NUMBER OF
GIFTS, BUT THEY WOULD BE DOUBLE IN SIZE OR VALUE.(25)
(23) Which may cause others to feel cheated.
(24) Which will surely cause him to feel cheated.
(25) Another idea has been to celebrate "Xmas in August". See Rabbi
Edward's opinion below, in section 9:2.
V. THE OFFICE PARTY
-------------------
1. "WHEN DECEMBER ARRIVES, OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY DECREASES".(26) BEGINNING
AT 9:00 AM ON THE MONDAY PRIOR TO XMAS, ALL REAL OFFICE WORK STOPS.(27)
IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF DOING REAL WORK, EMPLOYEES BUSY
THEMSELVES WITH TASKS SUCH AS THE COMPANY NEWSLETTER, OR PLANNING THE
OFFICE "HOLIDAY PARTY".
(26) As it is said, "It's a slow time of year."
(27) When that Monday is Erev Xmas itself, this work stoppage is moved up
to the preceding Monday.
2. IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT ALL COMPANIES CONDUCT AN ANNUAL "HOLIDAY
PARTY" EACH YEAR. THIS HAD BEEN CALLED A "XMAS PARTY" UNTIL 1972, WHEN
THE SUPREME COURT RULED IT TO BE A DISCRIMINATORY NAME. THE TERM
"HOLIDAY PARTY" WAS ENACTED IN ORDER TO MAKE NATIVE AMERICANS, ASIANS,
AND MUSLIMS(27a) ALL FEEL EQUALLY UN-AMERICAN.
(27a) When Ramadan is not in December.
3. THE "HOLIDAY PARTY", IN ORDER TO BE DONE PROPERLY, REQUIRES A GREAT
DEAL OF RITUAL DRINKING AND DEBAUCHERY. "AD'LOYADA" - ONE MUST DRINK AND
CONTINUE DRINKING UP TO(28) THE POINT HE CANNOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN HIS FAT DUMPY WIFE AND HIS GORGEOUS 22 YEAR-OLD BLOND
SECRETARY.(29)
(28) In this case, "up to" means "ad v'lo ad b'clal" - "up to but NOT
including" the point when he cannot tell the difference. Once one has
reached this point he is excused from further drinking. See next note for
more details.
(29) The example above presumes that he is a male, and his secretary is a
female. However, if his secretary is male, and he has reached the point
where he cannot tell the difference between his fat dumpy wife and his
handsome 22 year-old blond male secretary, then he is forbidden to drink
any more alcohol until Purim.
4. ALL BANKS AND OFFICES MUST CLOSE AT NOON(30) ON THE 24TH OF DECEMBER
SO THAT EVERYONE MAY BE ABLE TO GET HOME IN TIME TO TAKE CARE OF THE LAST
MINUTE PREPARATIONS.
(30) Retail establishments remain open until 4 PM on Erev Xmas, and Toys
'R' Us until midnight. Denny's never closes.
VI. THE FESTIVE MEAL
--------------------
1. AFTER TZEIS HAKOCHAVIM, THE FAMILY GATHERS TOGETHER FOR THE EREV XMAS
MEAL. THERE ARE VARIOUS OPINIONS AS TO WHAT IS TO BE EATEN AT THIS MEAL.
ONLY FISH IS TO BE EATEN AT THE EREV XMAS MEAL.(31) ITALIANS HAVE THE
MINHAG OF EATING 12 FISHES(32) AT THIS MEAL CORRESPONDING TO THE 12 DAYS
OF XMAS.
(31) When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the seudah coincides with the first
Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.
(32) Even on Shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of gefilte
fish: Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, How can we show that four different fishes
can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four different fishes in
Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,) but we are now able
to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars,
frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that
if there were four different species, then there are 12 different gefilte
fishes. Rabbi Eliezer said, How can we show that each of the twelve
fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without
salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there
are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve
fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96
dishes! Rabbi Akiva said, How can we show that each of the twelve fishes
is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of Rabbi Eliezer's eight recipes
can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are twelve fishes that
can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total of 192 dishes!
2. ONCE THE MEAL IS COMPLETE, THE FAMILY GATHERS IN THE ROOM WITH THE
TREE WHERE THEY SING ZEMIROS AND DRINK EGGNOG.(33) AT MIDNIGHT THE
FAMILY HEADS TO SHUL FOR TIKKUN CHATZOS. SOME OPINIONS SAY THAT TIKKUN
CHATZOS CAN BE SAID AS EARLY AS 8:00 PM,(34) BUT IT IS GOOD TO BE
STRINGENT ON ONESELF.
(33) Eggnog being a milchig drink, some hold that this is the real reason
for eating fish instead of meat.
(34) So that the children will be awake.
VII. SANTA CLAUS
--------------
1. FOR MANY YEARS, THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WAS A SUBJECT OF INTENSE
MACHLOKES IN THE ADULT COMMUNITY. IN 1897, A TEAM OF INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTERS WAS COMMISSIONED BY ONE VIRGINIA O'HANLON TO RESOLVE THE
QUESTION. THEIR FINDINGS, CONCLUDED "YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTA
CLAUS."(35) THIS WAS REAFFIRMED SEVERAL DECADES LATER IN A COURT CASE
BROUGHT IN NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT.(36)
(35) New York _Sun_, September 21, 1897
(36) Testimony from the United States Post Office proved to be crucial in
deciding this case, as documented in _Miracle_on_34th_Street_, 1947.
2. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN TO LIGHT ANY KIND OF FIRE IN THE FIREPLACE
ON THIS EVENING.(37) THOSE WHO WANT TO ROAST CHESTNUTS ON AN OPEN FIRE
SHOULD USE A BARBECUE.
(37) DUH! (But see also below, note 39)
3. TO DEMONSTRATE OUR FAITH(38) IN SANTA, EACH YEAR WE LEAVE HIM A PLATE
OF DONUTS OR COOKIES ON A TABLE NEAR THE TREE, WITH A GLASS OF MILK TO
DRINK. SOON AFTER THIS PRACTICE BEGAN, CHILDREN BEGAN TO QUESTION WHY
THE MILK WAS STILL ON THE TABLE THE FOLLOWING MORNING, SO THEIR PARENTS
ADOPTED THE MINHAG OF DRINKING THE MILK AFTER THE CHILDREN WENT TO BED.
HOWEVER, JUST THREE YEARS AGO,(39) WHILE DELIVERING HIS GIFTS, SANTA
ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED TO A YOUNG GIRL THAT HE SUFFERED FROM LACTOSE
INTOLERANCE, AND THAT THIS IS WHY THE MILK HAD BEEN LEFT UNDRUNK ALL
THOSE YEARS. THE FOLLOWING YEAR, SHE LEFT HIM A GLASS OF PAREVE SOYBEAN
"MILK", AND THIS PRACTICE HAS SPREAD FAR AND WIDE SINCE THEN. (IN
COMMUNITIES WHICH ACCEPT THE USE OF GOVERNMENT SUPERVISED MILK IN LIEU OF
RABBINIC CHOLOV YISROEL, LACTAID MILK IS USED INSTEAD.)
(38) "I believe with complete faith that he knows if you've been bad or
good, so be good for goodness sake." Ani Maamin #11, daily siddur.
(39) _The_Santa_Clause_, by Tim Allen, produced by Walter Disney, 1994.
This film also showed Santa's new fire-resistant suit which was developed
just that year. Nevertheless, the principle is that a protective measure
is not abandoned even if the reason no longer exists, and so the ban on
lighting fireplace fires remains in full force.
VIII. OTHER MINHAGIM
--------------------
1. ONE IS TO RISE EARLY ON THE MORNING OF THE 25TH IN ORDER TO OPEN THE
PRESENTS. THERE IS A SEUDAS MITZVAH WHICH MUST BE COMPLETED BEFORE
SHKIA.
2. MEAT AND WINE MUST BE SERVED AT THIS MEAL. LOTS ARE DRAWN TO CHOOSE A
DESIGNATED DRIVER WHO MAY NOT HAVE ANY WINE.
3. THE MEAT MAY ONLY BE ROASTED. ONE MAY NOT EAT ANY BOILED OR BROILED
MEAT AT THIS MEAL.
4. AFTER THE MEAL, MANY HAVE THE CUSTOM TO RETIRE TO THE FAMILY ROOM TO
WATCH SPORTS ON T.V.
5. KIDDUSH IS NOT RECITED ON XMAS, BUT ONE SHOULD DEFINITELY HAVE SOME
HOLLY.
IX. HAVDALA
-----------
1. THERE ARE MANY OPINIONS REGARDING WHEN THE XMAS SEASON IS OVER.(40)
BAIS HILLEL HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER WHEN THE LAST ITEM IN THE AFTER XMAS
SALE HAS BEEN SOLD. BAIS SHAMMAI IS STRICT AND HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER
IMMEDIATELY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE FOOTBALL GAME.
(40) Many are confused by the term "twelve days of Xmas", implying that
the Xmas continues until and including January 5. Today, this view is
accepted only by the Eastern Orthodox, who hold that December 26 through
January 5 constitute Chol Hamoed Xmas. This view is opposed by both the
Modern Orthodox and the Ultra Orthodox (and even the Non Orthodox) who
hold that Xmas is only one day long, and any context which seems
otherwise actually refers to the Xmas *season*.
2. WALLED CITES CONTINUE XMAS UNTIL THE END OF THE WINNING TEAM'S
TICKER-TAPE PARADE. A RECENT ACHARON, RABBI EDWARD, CELEBRATED XMAS IN
AUGUST; FOR THIS HE BECAME KNOWN AS "CRAZY EDDIE".
X. HAGADA FOR XMAS
------------------
This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400
years ago.
All who are in need, come and celebrate Xmas with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of this 400-year-old fruitcake, as
it is written, "Let them eat cake!"
This year we watch football in the living room, next year may the Super
Bowl come to our city!
Some have the minhag to place the gift-wrapped presents under the tree so
that they will pique the curiosity of the children so that they will ask
the four essential questions:
How come I have presents and Santa Claus didn't come yet?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
How much is that gorilla in the window?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no
benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day
workweek and many holidays in the end of the year. Now if the unions had
not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our
grandsons, would still have to work on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas, and
New Years. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their
salvation.
There are four types of children who ask questions on Xmas: the wise one,
the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him
either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to you?"
Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from
your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time
and a half for working on Xmas day.
What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You
will say to him, "This is dinner."
As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room,
wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"
If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from
the fireplace, it would have been enough.
If we would have stockings hanging from the fireplace, but not get today
off from work, it would have been enough.
If we would get today off from work, and not get off on Erev Xmas as
well, it would have been enough.
If we would get off on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would
have been enough.
If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have been
enough.
If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have been
enough.
If we would have dessert, but not watch the football game, it would have
been enough.
If we would watch the football game, but not see our team win, it would
have been enough.
If we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it
would have been enough.
(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we
have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from
work, and we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a
delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and saw
our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we do not
get a hangover tomorrow morning: "Yay team!"
Next year is Purim!
Zmiros
Who knows one?
I know one!
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows two?
I know two!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows three?
I know three!
Three are the french hens!
Two are the turtledoves, and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
Who knows four? I know four! Four are the calling birds! ...
Who knows five? I know five! Five are the gold rings! ...
Who knows six? I know six! Six are the geese a-laying! ...
Who knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the swans a-swimming! ...
Who knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the maids a-milking! ...
Who knows nine? I know nine! Nine are the drummers drumming! ...
Who knows ten? I know ten! Ten are the pipers piping! ...
Who knows eleven! I know eleven! Eleven are the ladies dancing! ...
Who knows twelve?
I know twelve!
Twelve are the lords a-leaping!
Eleven are the ladies dancing
Ten are the pipers piping
Nine are the drummers drumming
Eight are the maids a-milking
Seven are the swans a-swimming
Six are the geese a-laying
Five are the gold rings
Four are the calling birds
Three are the french hens
Two are the turtle doves and
One is a partridge in a pear tree.
-------------------
One little reindeer, one little reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a cat and ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a dog and bit the cat,
That ate the reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a stick and beat the dog,
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Then came a fire and burned the stick, ...
Then came the water and quenched the fire, ...
Then came an ox and drank the water, ...
Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, ...
Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, ...
Then came the Blessed Holy One and slew the angel of death,
That killed the shochet that slaughtered the ox
That drank the water that quenched the fire
That burned the stick that beat the dog
That bit the cat that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.
Submitted by <DaveTrek@...>
Subject: Ice cream, You scream . . .
Ben & Jewery's Ice Cream
FLAVORS:
Lehitra Oats Rashi Road
Olive Hashalom Oy Ge-Malt
Wailing Walnut Cherry Bim
Bubble Gum-ora Mi Ka-mocha
Lemontations Soda & Gomorra
Weizman Institutti-Fruitti Manishta Nut
Af Al Pecan RabaNut
Moishmallow Maimonidip (Rumbomb)
Rhubarbanel Chazalnut
Mazel Toffee Balak Berry
Lubavicher Resberre Salmond Schacter
Abba Ebanana Bernard Malamint
Cashew Lepesach Kol HaVodka
Tora Sheba'al Pear Chuppapaya
Butter Shkotz O-lime Habah
Berry Pr'i Hagafen Carmel Shake
Choc-Eilat Chip Cin'm'n Toff
*All flavors available in Cohen, Lochen-Cup or Bamid-Bar. Try our new
dietary line: Yassir Ara-lowfat.
>>From <DaveTrek@...> Tue Mar 3 16:14:26 1998
Subject: kosher symbols you may have overlooked.....
A few Kosher symbols you may have overlooked...
K.O. -- Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation
DANNY K -- Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
K SERA SERA -- Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism.
K MART -- Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to
discount their normal fees and make money through
volume.
YUD K, VOV K -- Under Divine Supervision
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY -- Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric association.
Submitted by: Harry Leichter <leichter@...>
Subject: Jewish Cooking by Martha Stewart
Jewish Cooking by Martha Stewart
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of
Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is
made with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be
eatenwith apple sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that
in the time of the Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned
for eight days. What is certain is you will have heart burn for the
same amount of time.
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix
of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could
actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill
you up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended
that you eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to
pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is
basically a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a
bow-tie? Many sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother
decided that "You can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid
"An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the
N.J. Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry
blintzes over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this
is the Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would
take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or
plastic. And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions,
flour, and spices. But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it
to the cholent (see below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is
no chance whatsoever that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its
origins: One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his
chicken soup. The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant.
Either way it can be soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside
depends on whether it is your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked
it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews
for centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and
bones or meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes
into contact with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I
once heard this comment from a youngster who had just had his first
taste of Mexican fried beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent
here too?!" My wife once tried something unusual for guests: She made
cholent burgers for Sunday night supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a
few of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked
at them and commented "Is that why we call it `Ge Filtered Fish'?"
Originally, it was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable
mixture. Today it usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with
horse radish ("chrain") which is judged on its relative strength in
bringing tears to your eyes at 100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?
Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I
don't know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of
the bagel were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked
lox. Think about it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white
bread? Rye? A cracker? Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost
indigestible which could take the spread of cream cheese and which
doesn't take up too much room on the plate. And why the hole? The truth
is that many philosophers believe the hole is the essence and the dough
is only there for emphasis.
Subject: Megillat Monica 5758
MEGILLAT MONICA 5758
(A recently discovered holy scroll that sheds light on the condition of
Jews in the US)
NOW IT CAME TO PASS in the days of Bill Clinton, he is the Bill Clinton
who was President of the United States, fifty states, from Maine even
until Hawaii. Now in those days, he made a great campaign party at
$10,000 a plate, with $50,000 a head to stay at the White House. And
Democrats and supporters came from all around and brought millions of
dollars into Clinton's campaign coffers, making it an incredible
success.
AT THE HEIGHT OF THE PARTY, Bill commanded his aides to bring forth the
First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton. But Hillary refused to attend,
being too involved in Whitewater investments. Bill was angry and said
unto his aides, "What shall be done to Hillary who refuses to
appear?" Then Dick Morris said, "Let Hillary be removed and let the
President gather all the beautiful interns together in the White House,
so that the President will pick the intern who pleases him the most and
she will be the President's companion, in place of Hillary." And the
advice pleased Bill Clinton and he did so.
NOW THERE WAS A CERTAIN JEWISH LAWYER in Los Angeles whose name was
William Ginsburg, and he had a client named Monica Lewinsky and she was
a member of his synagogue. And Monica was of beautiful form and fair
to look at. So when the President's decree was published, Monica,
being a White House intern, was taken before Bill Clinton. And she
pleased the President above all other interns and Bill took her as his
special companion and he had a close emotional relationship with her
and bought her gifts including a dress and a book of poetry. But
Monica kept her Jewishness a secret as instructed by her attorney.
NOW IN THOSE DAYS, Linda Tripp and Lucianne Goldberg conspired to tape
record the President, but William Ginsburg heard about it and reported
it to the Secret Service. As a result, Tripp and Goldberg were thrown
out of the White House and lost their visiting privileges, and the
incident was recorded in the White House Logbook. After these things,
Ken Starr was made Independent Counsel to investigate the President but
William Ginsburg would not cooperate with him. Then Starr was filled
with wrath and he vowed to indict not just Ginsburg but also all the
Jews in the United States, from the oldest to the youngest, including
Jews by birth, choice, patrilineal, etc., etc., and he decided to do
it on the 14th day of Adar.
NOW WHEN WILLIAM GINSBURG heard what Starr intended to do, he put on
sackcloth and ashes and urged all the Jews to say the Shema and
otherwise pray. Then he went to Monica and bade her to go to the
President to annul the harsh decrees. But Monica said, "I haven't been
allowed to barge in on the President for the last 30 days. In fact
I've even signed an affidavit stating that I haven't had sex with him
during that time." William Ginsburg said, "Who knows whether you have
not become the President's intern just for a time as this!" So Monica
agreed to go and asked her lawyer to have all Jews pray for her.
THEN MONICA put on her sexiest outfit, with the low cut blouse and sexy
black stockings with high heels and pushed her way into the Oval Office.
And Bill Clinton said unto her, "Monica, we can do it right here, I mean
what is your request? I will give you even up to half of my campaign
funds." Monica replied, "Let the President and Ken Starr meet me tonight
at my Watergate apartment for a romantic dinner." Bill Clinton and
Ken Starr went to Monica's pad and at dinner Bill said, "Monica, what
is your request?" and she replied, "I'd like both of you to come again
tomorrow night for supper."
THEN KEN STARR went back to his office and said to Paula Jones, "I'm
going to get the goods on Clinton. I'm sure Monica is going to
cooperate. She invited me with Clinton to her apartment again tomorrow
night. Yet all this is nothing unless I get William Ginsburg." Then
Paula Jones told him to file a fifty count indictment on attorney
Ginsburg and it pleased Starr.
NOW CLINTON COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT, worrying about new scandals
surfacing, so he read the White House Logbook and saw that William
Ginsburg was not rewarded for stopping Linda Tripp and Lucianne Goldberg
from taping the President. So he called Ken Starr and said, "What
should be done to the Man that the President desires to honor?" Starr,
thinking it was him, replied, "Let the Man whom the President desires
to honor stand next to the President as he gives the State of the Union
Address, let him be on CNN, Larry King Live, and all the television
interview shows." So Clinton said. "Make haste and do so for William
Ginsburg."
AND STARR MADE ALL THE arrangements so that Ginsburg stood next to the
President at the State of the Union Address, was interviewed by Larry
King and appeared on CNN, Face the nation and Meet the Press. Then
Ken Starr told Paula Jones what happened and she said to him, "My
Daddy is a Minister and he says that the Jews are the Chosen People
and if William Ginsburg is Jewish you're in big trouble."
THEN STARR AND BILL CLINTON went by limousines to Monica's Watergate
Apartment, next door to Bob dole, for a cozy dinner. Bill again asked
Monica, "What is your Petition? I'll give you even up to half of my
campaign funds." Monica said, "Mr. President, I and my people are to be
indicted." And Bill asked, "Who is he that seeks to indict you?"
Monica, pointing to Starr, said, "An adversary, an enemy, this wicked
Ken Starr who seeks to indict you too!" Bill arose in fury and Ken
Starr, terrified, fell on the sofa where Monica was. Then Bill aid,
"Will he even force himself on my intern in front of me?" Then Mike
McCurry said, "Behold, the fifty count indictment that Starr was
preparing for William Ginsburg!" Clinton said, "Indict Starr on it
instead!" and he removed him as Special Prosecutor.
THEN BILL CLINTON appointed William Ginsburg Special Prosecutor, and he
quashed all the indictments against Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton and
all the Jewish People. Goldberg, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers, Katherine
Willey and the whole
Right Wing Conspiracy. And as a result Bill Clinton dealt favorably with
Israel and with its leader Benjamin Netanyahu and called "Time Out" on
pressuring Israel.
SO THE RABBIS IN ISRAEL proclaimed Monica Lewinsky to be another Queen
Esther and commanded the Jews to celebrate Purim.
From: Philip Heyman <taxatty@...>
Subject: Purim Apochrypha
A scroll containing another portion of the Megillah was recently found
near the Dead Sea; based on its contents, it is believed to be genuine.
According to this fragment, after the celebration of the victory in
Shushan, Mordecai and Esther sent TWO messages to all the Jews of the
realm. The FIRST message is as stated in the traditional Megillah. The
SECOND message, revealed in this new scroll, and omitted from the
traditional Megillah, is a reminder to all the Jews that, since they
won't be slaughtered, they have to get ready for Pesach. It is assumed
that Rabbis of later ages deleted this portion to maintain Purim's
status as a joyous holiday.
Subject: Hilchos Oreos
from Shelley Frier List...
HILCHOS OREOS
Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S.
troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, in-
creasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the
really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change
the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless
we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The
Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commit-
ment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos,
we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications
of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of
rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and outcome-
based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune details of a
Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain order as part
of the process, is integral to implementation. For example, the way
we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on the right shoe,
then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and finally tie the
right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are beyond the ken of
the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists to divine their
significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting decree
seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.
This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic Oreo-eating.
Which should come first? A straightforward bite into the whole
cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves and
concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white represents
purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then perhaps one
should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer hatov
triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best for
last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers, the
Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)?
Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all
it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the
intact cookie, represent- ing the real-world mix of good and bad,
light and dark, moderation versus extremism.
A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the Hebrew
form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated as
"my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos
takes on the Ashkenazic pronounciation, it may also be interpreted
Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to
favor the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to
check with your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes
the question of which blessings to say. `Borei minay mezonos' seems
the obvious choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume
the white creme center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way
to go, followed by a `mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)
Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a
`shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that
the creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's
Oreo, does the `shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme
center suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the
shaylos it presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust,
by ex- ercising control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having
control over us. Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union
has given Jews the opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing
on kosher Oreos, and raise it to a whole new level of holiness.
We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of
ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the
permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).
Subject: The Halacha of Coffee
Note from Sam: I've had this awhile, trying to find the author. I have
been unsuccessful so I figured I'd just send it.
One of my friends found this in an ancient archive; the Brazilian
equivalent of the dead sea scrolls.
<< In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was
revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from
hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret
teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd
Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou
shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you
observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of
thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are
exempt.) The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further
research uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this
allegedly "secret teaching."
Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in
the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama
[time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a
mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude
that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R.
Chama bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at
all.
What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos
rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the
morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until
later in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling
patterns at greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha
shebehol eyt, erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your
goodness at all times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not
coffee with cream one of G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain
that this mitzvah applies to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos
rishon. (Halacha follows this opinion.) Once again, women and men are
both obligated in this mitzvah. Are Jews, then, commanded to drink
coffee? No, but those who do are considered praiseworthy. What of those
who do not drink coffee? They are obligated to contemplate the coffee
of a friend, and to refrain from stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek
Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he).
May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee
has never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may
contemplate it. The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it
was prepared and served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it
even in unkosher vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do
not do this, and Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.
May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet
Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the
convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of
Thermodynamics. Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As
usual, we follow Bet Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not
drink the coffee, the coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal
tashchit [do not destroy].
What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is
forbidden in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve
ersatz cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah
[beautifying a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest
ingredients we can afford, and mocha mix is inferior to authentic
cream. Hence we do not serve coffee after meat. (Black coffee does not
fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah notes that those who are
especially pious refrain from eating meat at any time so that they will
always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real cream. So important
is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable (except for those
with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur mitzvah, the Kos
Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition to fine quality
coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not only must the
coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but when one
refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a silver
spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon was
available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's
family.
One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused
stirring implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude
(erroneously) that stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may
first stir sugar into coffee and then refrain from stirring after
adding cream, those who are strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the
stirrer. Neither may one stir the coffee first, and then pour in cream
while the coffee is still in motion relying on turbulence to mix the
cream. The Torah is explicit that the purpose is to observe convection
currents (which must be generated by temperature diffential, and not
any other motion or current). In recent years it has become common to
use special coffee cups made of glass, so that one may observe the
currents not only from the top, but from the sides and bottom as well.
Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not invalidate cups made of fine
china.
Subject: Annoyning Corrections - what to do about it.
A ba'al koreh in a certain shul was very annoyed by a woman in his shul
who would always loudly and promptly correct his mistakes from behind
the mechitzah. So to teach her a lesson he waited until the Parsha of
Yosef in Egypt where Potiphar's wife tries to seduce Yosef. He misreads
the line from Potiphar's wife as "shichvah `imo" (sleep with him), and
sure enough the woman behind the mechitzah yells out "shichvah `imi"
(sleep with me)!
Subject: The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
by Paul Root Wolpe, Ph.D
University of Pennsylvania
At Hanukah or Purim in universities all over the country, academics are
invited to take part in the annual "Latkes vs. Hamantash Debate." The
purpose of the debate is to argue about which is the archtypical Jewish
food, Latkes or Hamantash. When invited to participate a couple of
years ago, I took my mandate very seriously. The job of the
sociologist is, after all, to uncover the hidden, to make problematic
the obvious, to explore the unexamined assumptions underlying social
convention. Therefore, after pondering the question deeply for ten or
fifteen minutes, I determined that a fundamental flaw has been made in
the choices of cuisine offered. Any true historian of Jewish cuisine
knows that neither the latke nor the hamantash is the true, primordial,
undisputed champion of Jewish cuisine. No, there is a food more basic
by far.
At first, foods like latkas, or hamantash, or matzo, for that matter,
come to mind. But why? We only eat these foods on particular
holidays, once a year. How can they be basic?
How about the three Ks -- kreplach, kishka, and knishes? maybe once,
but today we forswear them -- too much cholesterol.
Chulent, tsimmes or schmaltz? Too fatty.
A bagel with a shmear? That is almost as good as its gets, but there
is one better.
No, if we are what we eat, there is only one food that Jews have eaten
throughout time, and which sustained us through our most difficult
periods. The one food to which we owe our very nationhood.
And that food is: herring.
Yes, herring. Jews, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, are from the
Mediterranean basin, and there is not a country that borders on that
great sea -- European, Asian or African -- that does not eat herring.
In Northern Africa, Western Europe, and Eastern Europe it sustained us,
and if the oneg shabbat at my synagogue is any indication, it sustains
us still.
I remember the first time I encountered herring. I was about five
years old, sitting on my Zayde's knee. It was a Shabbat morning in
Cambridge, Mass, and my Zayde was having his usual breakfast before
Shul: Some herring in cream sauce on leftover challah, with a seltzer
water chaser sprayed into his glass from a bottle. He lovingly spread
the herring on the Challah, making sure to get plenty of cream sauce
and onion, and when he put it into his mouth, a little dribbled down
his chin, which he wiped with a finger and licked clean. I'll never
forget that moment: sitting there on Shabbat morning, secure in my
Zayde's arms, watching him eat that herring, I thought to myself:
That's disgusting! That's the most revolting thing I ever saw in my
life! I'd sooner eat chopped liver! Little did I understand at that
point the central place of herring in Jewish history and culture.
Let us turn to the sacred texts. Herring has always been at the center
of great debate among rabbis and scholars in the Talmud. Take, for
example, the eternal herring conflict: Herring in wine sauce, or
herring in cream sauce? Shammai took cream sauce, Hillel wine sauce,
and it was the subject of some of their most passionate debates. In
fact, it was during just such a debate that Hillel pushed some herring
in wine sauce at Shammai, encouraging him to try it. Shammai,
recognizing that the debate would never be settled, cried out the
traditional phrase used in the Talmud to indicate an argument is a
draw: "taku!" he exclaimed. "You're velcome!" replied Hillel.
Herring also was prominently featured at another dramatic debate
between the two men. In the greatest fish story of the Bible, Jonah is
swallowed, as you will recall, not by a whale, but by a dag gadol, a
big fish. Hillel insisted that the fish was a herring. Shammai, on
the other hand, insisted that it was a sturgeon. Hillel made a
passionate plea for the herring, noting for example, that the lowly
sardine is in the herring family, while from sturgeon we get that most
expensive of foods, caviar, and since Jonah was simple man of the
people, God would not have sent a sturgeon to swallow him. Hillel
almost had the rabbis won over, when Shammai produced a fisherman
holding a typical, 12 inch herring. "Could this have swallowed Jonah?"
he asked incredulously. Then, in one of the most dramatic moments in
the entire Talmud, Shammai flung open a curtain, behind which was a 20
foot, 2,000 pound sturgeon. "This could have swallowed Jonah!" he
proclaimed, to the applause of the Rishonim (the Achronim were late, as
usual). It seemed Hillel was sunk. However, never underestimate
Hilllel, the man who said "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?"
and convinced others that this was profound. He casually plucked a
grape from a nearby fruit basket, and, holding it up for all to see,
asked in a meek voice. "You see this grape? It is a tiny thing. A
simple man could carry hundreds of grapes." His voice began to get
louder. "Yet the Torah tells us that when Joshua sent spies into the
land of Canaan, it took two of them to carry back a single cluster of
grapes. How big were those grapes? The size of an olive? Hardly.
The size an etrog, perhaps? No, even more, even more." Now Hillel was
shouting. "They were undoubtedly at least the size of Shammai's head!
And if the Ribbono Shel Olam could make a grape the size of Shammai's
head, he could make a herring the size of a sturgeon!" Rashi comments
that, shaken by this defeat at the hands of the master, Shammai retired
to Natanya and opened a shwarma stand.
The Torah itself often speaks of herring. Note this excerpt from Song
of Songs, the famous passage known as the "Psalm of Psolomon the
Pseaman":
"I cast my net over the waters, and the catch is good.
Yea, my lovers' lips are like twin herrings,
pan-fried and drizzled with lemon butter.
I will serve them on endive leaves;
I will garnish them with goat's cheese and sprigs of parsley.
Verily will I feast upon them,
first carefully removing the bones."
Who can forget how herring saved the entire Jewish population of
Albania? It was over 500 years ago when Zog, the King of Albania,
decreed that -- although some of his best friends were Jewish -- all
adult Jewish males in Albania would have to have their foreskins
reattached. The head Rabbi of Albania, knowing the King's claim that
he could solve any riddle, made an offer: he would tell the King a
riddle, and if the King could not answer it, the decree would be
revoked. The King agreed. The Rabbi asked that famous Jewish riddle:
"What is purple, hangs on a wall, and whistles?"
The King retired to his chambers for six days and six nights, but he
could not solve the riddle. Finally, in exasperation, he summoned the
rabbi and admitted: "I cannot answer the question. What IS purple,
hangs on a wall, and whistles?"
The rabbi replied: "A herring, of course."
"A herring?!" shouted the King. "A herring isn't purple!"
"Nu, so this one was painted purple." replied the rabbi.
"But a herring doesn't hang on the wall!" said the King.
"Nu, so someone hung THIS one on a wall."
"But herrings can't whistle!"
"So nu, then it didn't whistle." proclaimed the rabbi.
Unable to defeat the logic, the King revoked the decree.
In his monumental, 28-volume work, "Herring and the Jews," the noted
herring expert, Doug Maluach, develops the idea that herring is a
metaphor for Jewish existence, signifying the unity of the Jewish
people. Maluach tells the following tale about how the Ba'al Shem Tov
first became famed in the Jewish community. A rival rabbi, the "Ba'al
Na'alyim Tovim", as he was known, challenged Shem Tov to explain how
Hashem could create Jews of so many different types. How could Hashem
create Sephardim, he asked, who actually ate rice on Passover and
talked funny, making no difference between the letters "Saph" and
"Taph"? The great Hasidic Master commented: "There is herring in
cream sauce, and there is herring in wine sauce; still, the essence of
each is herring. So, too, there are Sephardic Jews, and there are
Ashkenazic Jews, yet the essence of each is their connection to the
Torah. The rest is just sour cream and onions."
Herring's metaphorical properties go deeper than Hasidic anecdotes,
Maluach points out. Herring is pareve; it fits in with any meal, just
as the Jews scattered throughout the world fit into many different
countries. All around the herring are the dangers of the deep -- the
shark, the barracuda, the jet ski. Still they survive. And, like the
Jew, the herring understands the importance of keeping their children
in schools.
Need I go on? Herring and the Jews, the Jews and herring -- it is part
of our souls, not the food of special occasions, not the latka of
Hanukah or the hamantash of Purim, but the Jewish manna, the food that
has sustained us day-to-day. A famous Jewish man, Mel Brooks (all
right, he intermarried, but who are we to judge?), once commented: "We
mock the thing we are to be." And now I find myself, every Shabbat
morning, spreading my herring in cream sauce on challah, and licking
the dribblings from my fingers. My kids absolutely refuse to watch me
eat it. And that, Haverim, is how it should be.
* * * * * * * * *
Paul Root Wolpe, Ph.D.
Center for Bioethics,
Department of Psychiatry, and Department of Sociology
University of Pennsylvania
3401 Market St., Suite 320
Philadelphia PA 19104
email: <wolpep@...>
phone: (215) 898-7136
fax: (215) 573-3036
Center for Bioethics webpage:
http://www.med.upenn.edu/bioethics
Subject: purim 99 - Tractate "Shvitz"
Tractate "Shvitz"
Mishna: When one asks "is it hot in here, or is it me?", Rabbi Yosi ben
Kariar said, "this is like a man who is about to leave the house and
asks, `should I take a coat?' It is the heat." But Shmuel the Hvac
said, "this is like a person whose interruptible air conditioning has
been interrupted. It is a hefsek (an interruption) in thought. He is
disconnected. It is him."
Gemara: We have learned that Rabbi Akiva, Rabbi Azariah and Rabbi
Elazar who is often confused with Azariah but really doesn't look a bit
like him were once sitting in the Sanhedrin, shvitzing. Rabbi Akiva
said, in the name of Rabbi Meyah ben Achuz (called "Lennox"), "He who
would ask `is it hot in here, or is it me' is not of sound mind. Either
it is hot, which one can find out from the thermometer, or it is him,
which one can find out by taking his temperature. So, we exempt him
from the requirement of wearing tefillin, for the shvitzing would
damage them." Rabbi Azariah disagreed, saying, "Do we not know, from
the incident of Elija and the chariot, and And does not their fire give
off heat? And so, should we say that a person who asks `is it hot in
here or is it me' may be feeling the heat of intense religious passion?
And so it is him?" Rabbi Elazar was about to speak, but Rabbi Ami bar
Ometer said, "Yeah, just like Nadav and Avihu... you could really get
burned up!" And they all had a good laugh. Then Rabbi Elazar said, "It
is both. It is like a debate in the Sanhedrin, which can get pretty
hot, and then with this darned Aramaic, everyone's always spitting on
everyone else when they talk, so it is them." But the chachamim said,
"it's not the heat, it's the humidity." Rabbi Chanania ben Ductape
brought forth proof . For is it not written, "ushavtem mayim
b'sasson",? And if the rock was shvitzing, how much more so people? It
was hot in that place! But Rabbi Asa bar Grommet replied, "it is also
written that when the sea split, our bed of the sea dried by the hand
of the Holy One, blessed be He, not because it wasn't humid." Rabbi
Aryeh ben Fluvent said, in the name of Rabbi Yaakov of Fernez, "Boy, am
I thirsty." And he brought forth a proof that it was the humidity and
not the heat by way of a Beraita. It happened that two men were walking
on the road when they saw a skull floating in the water. One said to
the other "were you ever able to understand that part of Pirkei Avot?"
and the other began sweating profusely. To which the first said, "me
neither, but it always made me and sweaty and angry just thinking about
it." Now, if we take the gematria of "sweaty", divide it by the value
of the word "angry" and multiply it by the value of an eyeblink in the
sight of God, and count every 15th letter from the first letter of the
second aliya of Sedra Pinchas, we get the value of the word "humidity".
But the chachamim disagreed, saying "it's the 14th letter, not the
15th." And when you substitute the 14th for the 15th, you get the value
of the word for "automatic pistol". It is well known that one who
carries such a pistol is said to be "packing heat"*. So it's the heat,
and not the humidity. A challenger arose in the name of Shmuel ben
Kerach and said, with an icy glare, "both the 14th and the 15th are the
days of Pesach in the month of Nissan. And, though there were many
other problems with these in the early days, a Nissan would rarely
overheat. However, they did have a terrible rust-through problem which,
as we all know, is caused by water, and humidity is a form of water. So
it isn't the heat, it's the humidity." To which the chachamim replied,
"throw that guy out." So they did.
*The Rashi on this was not completely clear, but appeared to be "Since
we know that a Beretta (old French) is a popular brand of automatic
pistol, and since such pistols are, it is evident, called "heat" and
since the various discussions which were left out of the Gemara
generated much heat, they were
originally called "a Berreta" which, through being mispronounced,
became "a Beraita".
Discovered by Leonard I. Wanetik during the late days of the month of
Tamuz, 5758.
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End of Volume 28 Issue 56
